CHAPTER 18, EXCERPT 2
He pushed himself upright and stood waiting for the dizziness to lessen, but it wasn’t going away. He looked around. He knew the area but it all seemed different today. Nothing had changed but it all seemed different. How did that work? And although he knew his own house was nearby, somewhere east of here, he wasn’t quite sure what route to take, what street to choose. But he didn’t have the luxury of time or a properly working brain so he just started walking, hoping something would come back to him along the way. He walked across the avenue to the alley and recalled standing in the shadows last night looking up at Judy’s window. And then all the energy he had left glommed onto the disgusting memories and began twisting in the pit of his stomach like a fifty-pound squid with razor blades for tentacles. Thinking he might puke again, he leaned against the small faded house and turned for one more look at that upstairs window. There was nothing to see but the white curtain.
Then he saw a car come up the hill and swing in front of the apartment building.
Sleazy Judy’s big Buick Electra.
Jesus, hadn’t he left her inside the apartment mocking him with her insane laughter?
Time must truly fly when you’re having fun…
He watched her exit the Buick and walk up to the double-glass doors. Man, she was prim and proper and all put back together. Amazing… confusing… her recovery time phenomenal.
Now he thought he was floating, his legs getting light, and the pain in his head was so bad he had to walk away. At the eastern edge of the alley he turned downhill because he didn’t have the strength to go up. At the intersection he stopped to read the street signs and his own address clicked into his mind and he turned left and pressed on.
So here it was spring and the leaves were green and the red birds were singing… and, Christ, he did need some love—but he didn’t deserve it. No, he sure didn’t. He’d let down his mother… he’d let down Betty… he’d fucked Ray-Ray’s ex-wife, the whore… And there was a lot more shit back there to prove how low he was, but he just couldn’t remember it all right now.
Maybe you get to a point where life is no longer worth the effort. A point where there is no longer anything out there that makes it worthwhile….
Maybe he was at that point…
Everything was fuzzy except the regret and recrimination.
You’re a loser, Frank. A drunk. Dope head. Worm. Lazy. Ungrateful. Never satisfied. And now you’ve gone and put your dick in that whore. You’ll never get it right, you lowlife shitbag….
After five minutes of walking he was getting a new line on things. His house was only a few blocks away… it was a nice day… sunny… the air smelled good… the sun hurt his eyes… and, man, did the head throb. That pretty blond girl was in his mind floating around with the garbage. Christ, he had to remember… the feeling was just too strong… what the hell was her name? He could hear her girlish giggle in his head, a delightful sprinkle of ear candy that made him think of champagne and wedding cake. Girl made him feel better. But he didn’t deserve to feel better… he didn’t deserve anything good… he wasn’t good… he was a Ford…. Who in hell killed Ray-Ray? They were going to pay… all of them…
Revenge was the only thing he had left.
So he walked on, thoughts coming and going in a loop without making much sense. Forgot them quickly anyway. It seemed that he’d swallowed the old Frank Ford, the one he halfway liked, and now Old Frank was lodged down in his solar plexus doing its goddamned best to devour the new guy.
He should give that one some thought….
(To be continued)
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